This was passed to me in an E-mail, and it was so awesome, I had to share it here. Enjoy!
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly
under paid technical support staff at a computer software/hardware
support line near you.
1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can’t do what I tell you to
do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk… you do. Why did you
even ask me a question if you are going to answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius! You
want my help, stay on the line and listen. We have much better things to
do than talk to you anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you
honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of
“hi, how’s it going” or “busy today?” That just serves to piss us off.
Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great
until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally
screwed. We didn’t screw it up. It wasn’t us. We’re simply telling it
like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate
details of every piece o’ crap shareware program you dredge out of the
Internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
7. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the
content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can
pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a
waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support
reps fear most… the elderly.
8. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup
instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have
better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
9. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then
say you’re not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We
aren’t technological psychics.
10. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you’re experiencing is our
fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you
the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the
toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn’t us who caused it.
11. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don’t know anything about
computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we’re well aware of that
fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced “help, the
internet is broken!” (or for us – ‘is the server down?’) Something here
definitely needs help. People who know computers don’t call us.
12. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and
that you’re doing us favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us
off more than- Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only
increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an
unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your
system. Not that you’d notice.
13. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don’t know the meaning
of or even what they are for. Just admit that you’re completely lost and
leave the techno bullshit to us.
14. DO NOT call in if you can’t speak English. This might seem like a
small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and
assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say.
And no, just because those words may be ‘computer’ or ‘broken’ doesn’t
absolve you of the offense.
15. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something
different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is
screwed, it’s screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log
and tell you the same thing, it’s screwed. That is of course unless you
really piss him off and then he’s going to make sure your computer has
the functionality of a house plant.
16. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn’t think this
would need to actually be said, but believe me it’s come up. For god
sakes, if you can’t control yourself and must call, at least have the
common courtesy to offer us some of what you’re on.
I’m sure there are more than these, but if you included them all, the poor journal server would creak and moan and then fall to its knees in anguish….there are that many….trust me. 🙂