I’m working on ideas for cleaning and re-organizing my room, and as I look around, I see what I can enjoy and what I can’t. Do I blame anyone or anything? No. Why? Well, it all comes down to what happens due to choices. I’ve realized that when I chose to return to Montana, that there would be consequences for this choice – probably the biggest one is that sometimes you just cannot be who you want to be. I spent many years fighting the normalcy of what is around me, and truth be told, I’m actually getting tired of fighting. I’m not the twenty-something, skinnier, more fashionable person I thought I was, and you just can’t go back to the past, so maybe it’s just time to let it go.
It’s like the title of that album by The Smiths…..the queen is dead. Unless I plan on living every day at The Loft (I do adore the place, and it’s a place I feel welcome), then I may as well accept that my lifestyle doesn’t really work out well in many places I go to on a daily basis.
I am still a creative person in my opinion, but I guess I’ll just have to find more outlets to be expressive – or different ones.
Maybe I just need to purge what is no longer useful and make space for the future instead of living in the past. I’m sure many people go through this in middle age, so I doubt I’m the only one to have this epiphany.
I don’t want anyone to feel bad or sorry for me. I’m not really depressed about this, but perhaps it’s time to stop being ignorant, and realize that I need to be in the now. There are other ways to be unique, and perhaps I just need to embrace those more. Besides…..there is still Halloween.
Will I give up everything? No, not really, but I need to be more realistic about what will work for me, and what will not. I still have options. I still have my three F’s – faith, family, and friends – and that’s more important than any material thing.